NFL week 2.

I just can't wait to make my picks. For some reason I'm extra antsy this week. So here are my predictions (home team in caps):

MINNESOTA (+2 1/2) over Carolina
I'm not off the Panthers bandwagon, they're still great. But Steve Smith is still hurt, and I'd put Minnesota's defense up there past Atlanta's. Carolina's on the road this week, and even though they'll come out fired up, so will the Vikings. If Carolina doesn't jump out to an early lead, this one could (and probably will) get ugly. Closed circuit to Fred Smoot: Don't. Say. Anything.

CHICAGO (-8 1/2) over Detroit
Every year we hear in the first few weeks some feeble attempts at asserting, "The roar is restored." No it's not. It hasn't been in a decade, and it ain't now. I'll hand it to the Lions defense for holding Seattle to 9 points, but the Bears looked downright pimpish last week. Detroit, you been holdin' out. You get a backhand from your pimp. Shut up, Roy Williams.

INDIANAPOLIS (-13 1/2) over Houston
I can't believe I picked the Texans to win last week. Go ahead, pile some hot coals on my head. I'll wait.

New Orleans (-1 1/2) over GREEN BAY
Ladies and gentlemen, contestant number one in the "Who's Getting Yanked First Showdown": Brett Favre! It truly is tasty that Green Bay is a home dog for the second time in two weeks. And with good reason. They suck in a way that I've never in my lifetime seen them suck. That's including the Majkowski years. Misplaced Deity Favre is a mere week or two away from being pulled, and when Ahman Green gets injured by week 7, they can finally officially enter the glorious rebuilding phase. As for the Saints, Reggie Bush is the real deal. I love that guy now that he's not at USC. The feel-good story continues for another week.

PHILADELPHIA (-3 1/2) over NY Giants
I said last week that I wouldn't pick Philly until they impressed me. Done. Let's call this one "Manning Bowl II", and then Eli can feel okay about losing this one too.

BALTIMORE (-8 1/2) over Oakland
Duh.

ATLANTA (-5 1/2) over Tampa Bay
I won't join the rest of the sports media and crown John Abraham the NFC Defensive Player of the Year just yet. I will, however, hand over the "Most Old Testament Surname" award. Congratulations! Elsewhere, I was really surprised that Tampa looked so inept last week. It would have been easier to spot if they just went back to those old orange uniforms. The lobbying starts right now.

CINCINNATI (-10 1/2) over Cleveland
Thanks, Carson Palmer. You racked up only 5 more fantasy points than LenDale White, and he was inactive. You are subsequently benched. I don't care if it costs me in the win/loss department, because I'm getting destroyed anyway this week. Shows you. Funny factoid: As it turns out, I had been spelling Cincinnati wrong my whole life up until recently. Gee.

MIAMI (-6 1/2) over Buffalo
That loss last week was embarassing. I can't believe their quarterback would just buckle like that with the game on the line. Which team am I talking about? Does it matter? We'll gather more data here about whether my Culpepper Upswing Hypothesis holds any water. I'd rather we didn't gather more data though. Just hand it to Ronnie Brown. He's good.

SEATTLE (-7 1/2) over Arizona
I don't feel comfortable about this one at all. Definitely take Arizona on the points.

SAN FRANCISCO (+3 1/2) over St. Louis
Don't start drinking the Rams kool-aid just yet, Denver laid an egg on the first week last year too. Plus this week they're facing a team with a quarterback other than the dreadful Jake "Cream Cheese Turnover" Plummer. I caught the end of the 49ers game last week and I gotta say, Alex Smith looks much better this year. Don't sleep on the Niners.

SAN DIEGO (-10 1/2) over Tennessee
Ladies and gentlemen, contestant number two in the "Who's Getting Yanked First Showdown": Kerry Collins! Anyone who complained about the Chargers' tough schedule need to stop talking immeditately. And probably not open their mouths until next year. I haven't seen this many cream puffs since, well--I'm really losing my touch. Speaking of losing the touch...

DENVER (-10 1/2) over Kansas City
Ladies and gentlemen, contestant number three in the "Who's Getting Yanked First Showdown": Jake Plummer! This one pains me, but I have to pick with my head, not my heart. Just like the Broncos' opposing defenses. [Resigned sigh.]

New England (-6 1/2) over NY JETS
This one's a lot more of a risk than anyone in Boston would ever admit to, but after the scare against Buffalo last week, anything's possible. If the Pats make the Super Bowl, it will be Misplaced Deity Belichek's biggest feat yet, as he's planning on doing it without a wide receiver.

Washington (+5 1/2) over DALLAS
My upset special this week. This one is halfway a spite pick, however. I was giddy like a schoolboy last week watching the Jags humiliate the mighty Cowboys. Who would've guessed Jack Del Rio would outcoach Bill Parcells? I saw it though. It happened. But after watching the Monday night Vikes/Skins game, I really like the Redskins. I'm a big believer in the transitive sports property, so if Washington takes this one, that means Minnesota's better than Dallas too. Then I can talk some trash to my boss. Not that I would, but I could.

Pittsburgh (-1 1/2) over JACKSONVILLE
I don't like making this pick either, but the Steelers looked mighty good last week. Jacksonville got up for this game last year and won in Pittsburgh, but I just got a feeling about this one. That almost certainly means that I'm wrong.

I'm getting all Roy Williams on ya' and guarateeing a winning record this week. It's got to happen. If I just believe hard enough...