NFL week 3.

In week one, I was giddy like Christmas morning. In week two, I was eager like the first day of school. Now that it's week three, I'm shaking like I've had a pot of coffee. I think my love of football is becoming unhealthy. SWEET! On to the picks (home team in caps):

MINNESOTA (+3 1/2) over Chicago
We'll call this one Upset Special of the Week #1. And no, I'm not being delusional. Chicago hasn't faced anyone nearly the caliber of the Vikings, on either side of the ball. Everyone's talking about how Rex Grossman is coming alive at quarterback, and oooh, the Bears offense looks dynamite. They've played the Packers and Lions, for crying out loud. Coronado High School could light them up. The fact is that Grossman hasn't seen ANY pressure yet this year. If the Vikings defense (ranked 7th in the NFL, thank you very much) can put any pressure on Rex at all, he'll get his happy feet and could be very prone to mistakes. The Bears defense is a formidable foe, that's true. But they're a cover two just like Minny, and they've been built for speed, not power. If the Vikings O-line lives up to expectations, and we've seen glimpses of that in the fourth quarters of the past two games, the Vikes could end up punching the Bears' D right in the mouth for the whole game. Tony Richardson needs to have a huge game taking Urlacher out on running plays. In the end, this will be the week the Vikings start to be taken seriously. You heard it here first.

Washington (-3 1/2) over HOUSTON
This one was a toss-up for me. Houston put 24 on Indianapolis. That's pretty good. Basically my feeling here is that if the Reskins lose, then all hell breaks loose in Washington. They won't do that. They'll win just enough games to keep a riot down, just enough for people not to get fired before the season ends. Enjoy your 7-9 season, Skins fans.

BUFFALO (-5 1/2) over NY Jets
I don't know. Why does this game even matter?

DETROIT (-6 1/2) over Green Bay
Closed circuit to all the Sconnies that read this blog: give up hope. Your team is 6 point dogs to the LIONS!

INDIANAPOLIS (-8 1/2) over Jacksonville
This is amazing. A team beats the defending Super Bowl champs--absolutely shuts them down--and they're still this much of an underdog?! Who makes this line? I do think the Colts will win (I'll pick them every week until they let me down), but if you're a better, take the Jags on the points.

MIAMI (-10 1/2) over Tennessee
Ok, that whole Culpepper thing was totally off base. Sorry. But if they keep statistics like "best fantasy player who plays for the suckiest team", then I had the steal of the draft with Ronnie Brown. If you're from Miami, thank the good Lord above that he dropped this creampuff in your collective lap.

PITTSBURGH (-2 1/2) over Cincinnati
This one's getting WAY too much hype. There's the east coast bias for you. I suppose technically these are both midwest teams, but... you know what, no it's not east coast bias. People just get way to interested in the Steelers. I really don't know what to make of this game, I guess I just think Cincy has too many injuries and jailbirds.

Carolina (-3 1/2) over TAMPA BAY
I'm still lobbying for the Bucs to go back to their orange and white uniforms, so we can easily identify their suckiness. Remember the good old days of two weeks ago when people thought this would be a huge game?

Baltimore (-6 1/2) over CLEVELAND
Poor Browns. Ain't no way they're winning a division title in the next five years. They could rebuild twice before they could have a shot at the postseason. Oh well, they named their team after poop. They get what they get.

SEATTLE (-3 1/2) over NY Giants
Closed circuit to Mike Holmgren: Don't sit on a lead. Heel to the throat, that's what you should be shooting for. We don't need anyone else putting delusions of grandeur into Eli Manning's head. It's gone on far too long.

ARIZONA (-4 1/2) over St. Louis
Three words: Take. The. Over.

Philadelphia (-6 1/2) over SAN FRANCISCO
I'd hate to be any 49er right now. Philly is looking to take out some frustration this week. Is there any chance that the margin of victory in this game will be less than 21 points? Any?

NEW ENGLAND (-6 1/2) over Denver
It's just really hilarious to hear people calling for Plummer's head. There's no way Cutler will start a game this year unless the Broncos give up on their season (read "until they play San Diego"). New England doesn't really inspire confidence in me--I'd put their Super Bowl chances at about 200 to 1 right now--but they'll beat the Broncos on the revenge factor alone.

NEW ORLEANS (+3 1/2) over Atlanta
Let's call this one the Upset Special of the Week #2. Yes, the Falcons look unstoppable. Yes, New Orleans has gotten good off of weak teams the last couple weeks. But my theory here is that the Saints pull off one emotional win every year. This is the one. Call it a fool's theory if you must, but if women can make picks based on which city they'd like to live in more, then I can do this. When I'm right on Tuesday you can start believing in my genius. It's okay. I'll wait.