I just read Bill Simmons' power rankings and I'm just livid. He's on some hardcore crack. Still funny, though. I may have a man-crush on him, but I don't have to like him right now...
Time to drown my sorrows in a big bottle of picks. (A note: I'm not writing something about every game. I just don't have it in me right now. Look for this to continue.)
Minnesota (+1 1/2) over BUFFALO
This is one that I really don't understand. Who has Buffalo beaten? Miami? Honestly, I don't remember. But the Vikings play three playoff teams from last year and go 2-1. They gave one of the top five teams in the NFL (Chicago) all they can handle, and now they're underdogs?! Seriously?! It's time for everyone to stop slamming the Vikings. They're better than they get credit for. They're the Mark-Paul Gosselaar of the NFL. When he was on Saved by the Bell, nobody took him as a serious actor. But when he hit NYPD Blue (and even before that in "Dead Man on Campus"), he showed he had some chops. Same thing here. This is the Vikes' "Dead Man on Campus". Two touchdown margin at least.
KANSAS CITY (-7 1/2) over San Francisco
Let's keep in mind that KC has only scored 16 points this season. To beat the spread they need their margin of victory to be half that? Pass. Hey, is [I forget which brother] Huard starting this week?
No, I guess it doesn't matter.
Miami (-4 1/2) over HOUSTON
It seems odd, but I'm getting excited over this game. I'm fairly sure that the defenses shouldn't even bother gearing up this week. I'm going to love watching the scores roll in on this game. I wonder what the over/under is on "unchanged score with each successive turn through the ticker" is. Four? Five? With three big players in this game, my fantasy team (Minnesota Blue Steel) is looking for a big week.
Indianapolis (-9 1/2) over NY JETS
Here's what I would love: The Jets somehow beat the Colts. I don't know, maybe the Colts really mail this one in. We endure a week of "The Jets Have Arrived" stories, and it skews every line on them for the next two months. I would love to watch how long it took everyone to realize, "Oh wait, they still suck." This would be a fun storyline that wouldn't go away for a while, owing to the East Coast Media Bias. (Yes, it gets caps.)
CAROLINA (-6 1/2) over New Orleans
Remember last week when I said that the Saints would win and I'd look like a genius? Just making sure.
ST LOUIS (-5 1/2) over Detroit
I wonder how big the "Fire Millen" campaign will get this year. It was at cacaphony level last year, could it get worse than that? What will it take to fire him? Nobody's denying he's the worst football executive of the past twenty years at least. I don't even think Millen would disagree. But after losing at home to the loathesome Packers, is there any on-the-field humiliation they could endure that might cost Millen his job? Or does this have to boil down to an off-the-field scandal? I bet Matt Millen is really glad he secretly tailed the ownership on their Philipino boy-love trip. That's the only explanation I can come up with.
Cleveland (-2 1/2) over OAKLAND
PHILADELPHIA (-10 1/2) over Green Bay
As baffled as I am that the Packers somehow weaseled their way into a Monday night game, I love that they get to be dismantled on national television. Give up hope, Packers fans.