Mark it on your calendars, October 30, 2006 is the day I officially jumped off the instant replay bandwagon. I just can't believe that indisputable visual evidence of tucking the ball, turning upfield, taking three steps, and fumbling on your way down isn't enough to overturn an erroneous incomplete pass call. I don't know what kind of dirt Bill Belichick has on Larry Nemmers, but it's gotta be good. Matt Millen good.
Not like that would've saved the Vikings anyway.
Did you know Tom Brady was the youngest quarterback to ever win the Super Bowl? It's true. At age 9, Brady passed for 884 yards and nine touchdowns in one game, completing passes to 26 different receivers. Amazingly, he finished with more completions than attempts. One of his touchdowns was caught simultaneously by two receivers, and everyone thought it was such a nice pass that it counted for two completions.
Did you know Tom Brady once chopped down a tree with his bare hands? It's true. Apparently he used his perfect teeth on the felled oak to whittle a cute little dinette set.
Did you know Tom Brady invented the cure for cancer? It's true. He's only allowing the pink merchandise for "breast cancer research" to continue because he knows a couple orphanages that could use the money. Isn't he great?
Yes, I'm fulling embracing the bitterness.
If Brad Childress knew anything, he'd start Tarvaris Jackson from here on out.
10.31.2006
10.30.2006
Some thoughts...
...on the football weekend.
1. The FOX go-bot had a jack-o-lantern head yesterday. Amazingly, this brought the ridiculousness level down a little bit.
I think my major beef with the go-bot (besides the fact that he has absolutely no reason to be there) is that they obviously spent so much time and money to mimic the actual motions of a football player warming up. It brings to mind the existentialist meaning of the word "absurd." The general idea is that when you consider the fervor with which we carry out life, coupled with the groundlessness of our existence (their thoughts, not mine), life seems absurd. When you consider the fervor with which the go-bot animators carried out their work, coupled with the utter pointlessness of their task, the go-bot is profoundly absurd.
But it does open the door for other holiday heads. A turkey head, Santa Claus, baby Jesus, a menorah, Marin Luther King Jr., the possibilities are wide open.
2. Allow me to be the 81,000th to say it. Stick a fork in Pittsburgh.
3. The field goal gone bad in the Chiefs/Seahawks game has to go down as the funniest play of the year so far. You could almost hear Dustin Colquitt screaming, "Not the face! Dear Lord, not the face!" The ruling is questionable, sure. But if that was a pass, it was the ugliest pass in the last ten years, and that includes all levels of football, including little pee-wee football. They should've just not overturned it and cited the "worst pass in football" rule. That and, let's be honest, he should've fallen on it right away. Why can't they teach this in training camp? Can I be an advisor and make lots of money to teach punters and kickers how to fall on footballs? Please?
4. I saw a lot of commercials yesterday for KFC's Famous Bowls. I know they've been around for a little while now, but let me give my take on them. This seems like such a bad idea that I can't help but be fascinated by it. This is a brilliant idea because it's so out there that many, many people will want to try one, even if they're horrified by it. Count me as one of them.
5. Where can I get a shiny acoustic guitar with a big Ford logo on it? Do I have to get up early and have to be on time?
6. So Jay-Z is now hocking Budweiser Select. Does anyone remember that he did a Heineken commercial a few years back? Is this the new front of rap violence? Are the Anheuser-Busch people gonna mix it up with the Heineken people? How many up-and-coming beer execs will become victims of gang feuds? Will this claim Jay-Z's life? He could single-handedly revive the rapper retrospective TV special industry. Stay tuned...
Skol Vikings!!!!
1. The FOX go-bot had a jack-o-lantern head yesterday. Amazingly, this brought the ridiculousness level down a little bit.
I think my major beef with the go-bot (besides the fact that he has absolutely no reason to be there) is that they obviously spent so much time and money to mimic the actual motions of a football player warming up. It brings to mind the existentialist meaning of the word "absurd." The general idea is that when you consider the fervor with which we carry out life, coupled with the groundlessness of our existence (their thoughts, not mine), life seems absurd. When you consider the fervor with which the go-bot animators carried out their work, coupled with the utter pointlessness of their task, the go-bot is profoundly absurd.
But it does open the door for other holiday heads. A turkey head, Santa Claus, baby Jesus, a menorah, Marin Luther King Jr., the possibilities are wide open.
2. Allow me to be the 81,000th to say it. Stick a fork in Pittsburgh.
3. The field goal gone bad in the Chiefs/Seahawks game has to go down as the funniest play of the year so far. You could almost hear Dustin Colquitt screaming, "Not the face! Dear Lord, not the face!" The ruling is questionable, sure. But if that was a pass, it was the ugliest pass in the last ten years, and that includes all levels of football, including little pee-wee football. They should've just not overturned it and cited the "worst pass in football" rule. That and, let's be honest, he should've fallen on it right away. Why can't they teach this in training camp? Can I be an advisor and make lots of money to teach punters and kickers how to fall on footballs? Please?
4. I saw a lot of commercials yesterday for KFC's Famous Bowls. I know they've been around for a little while now, but let me give my take on them. This seems like such a bad idea that I can't help but be fascinated by it. This is a brilliant idea because it's so out there that many, many people will want to try one, even if they're horrified by it. Count me as one of them.
5. Where can I get a shiny acoustic guitar with a big Ford logo on it? Do I have to get up early and have to be on time?
6. So Jay-Z is now hocking Budweiser Select. Does anyone remember that he did a Heineken commercial a few years back? Is this the new front of rap violence? Are the Anheuser-Busch people gonna mix it up with the Heineken people? How many up-and-coming beer execs will become victims of gang feuds? Will this claim Jay-Z's life? He could single-handedly revive the rapper retrospective TV special industry. Stay tuned...
Skol Vikings!!!!
10.28.2006
Star Trek
I have to admit, I haven't seen an episode of the original Star Trek in many years. I certainly haven't seen one on non-cable channels. But tonight one showed up on TV, and baffled, the wife and I watched.
Turns out it was the Halloween episode. I don't know if they made more than one, but this one is so incredibly cheesy. I don't actually know if every episode was this bad (as it's been so long, as noted above), but it's hardly even watchable. I love it.
Unrelated note: I, along with Gordon (one of my three confirmed readers), have come up with The 365 Project on flickr. It's an attempt to take and upload one picture a day for all of 2007. I've started already, just to get in the habit. I also have my own personal page of photos, if you care.
Just eat the sandwich!
Turns out it was the Halloween episode. I don't know if they made more than one, but this one is so incredibly cheesy. I don't actually know if every episode was this bad (as it's been so long, as noted above), but it's hardly even watchable. I love it.
Unrelated note: I, along with Gordon (one of my three confirmed readers), have come up with The 365 Project on flickr. It's an attempt to take and upload one picture a day for all of 2007. I've started already, just to get in the habit. I also have my own personal page of photos, if you care.
Just eat the sandwich!
10.27.2006
Week 8 picks.
Again, more random thoughts before I dive in:
1. PhilTube. Funniness. It's my stated purpose to use the word "blog" in at least six conversations over the next week. Moreover, I want to start ending my phone calls with, "You should be blogging."
2. It blizzarded here yesterday. There were words like "legendary" being thrown around on the news last night. Weathercasters, newspersons, can we just cut it with the hyperbole? It was a foot of snow. It's already halfway melted. We had one snow day out of it, let's not lose our heads over it. Ironically, Academy Blvd. was in much better shape this time around.
3. If you like college hockey (and you really need to punched in the head if you don't), you have to like this weekend's matchup between St. Cloud State and North Dakota. Fireworks galore. And whoodathunkit that professional hockey would be the hot topic in Minny this time around?
4. It has been a strange week. Some friends of ours had twins on Monday. When we visited them on Tuesday, the babies were in ICU because their lungs hadn't fully formed. I can't imagine how hard that must be, but we got to see them and they were so tiny and I instantly realized how a parent can love their child so much. I'm kind of psyched to have kids of my own someday. Then on Wednesday, an aunt of mine died unexpectedly. I've only met her a couple times because she lives across the country, but it's still hard to have to deal with death. I guess this was just one of those weeks that make you think more big picture than normal.
Ok, now let's get down to the nitty gritty. I'm particularly pumped to be laying out another slate of genius upset picks:
MINNESOTA (+2 1/2) over New England
I can't even tell you how much I'm looking forward to Monday night. I really don't understand how the Patriots are road favorites against a 4-2 team that just dismantled the reigning NFC champs. Chock it up to the East Coast Media Bias I guess. Maybe after this game the Vikings will get some respect. Maybe. The Vikes had a chance to arrive on the scene against the Bears earlier this year and choked that away. It will say a lot about this team in how they respond to another high-pressure situation. If they win, they have San Fran, Green Bay, Miami, and Arizona next. They could be 9-2 going up against the Bears on December 3rd. I smell a flex game! I'll leave this prediction with one more tidbit: The Broncos offense picked apart the Pats defense. I'll say that again.
The Broncos offense picked apart the Pats defense.
Arizona (+3 1/2) over GREEN BAY
People are piling on the Cards as the worst team in the NFL simply because they lost to Oakland. Granted, that is about as bad as it gets. But Arizona was coming off a stomach-punch loss. They still have a remarkably poised quarterback, talented skill players, and a coach that doesn't quit until the postseason. I really don't think Arizona's as bad as what people make them out to be. A low-profile game like this is just what they need to get back on track.
Seattle (+5 1/2) over KANSAS CITY
This is an exercise in functioning in the surreal netherworld. Seneca Wallace is starting for the Seahawks. And I'm picking them. That's weird enough. But I'm picking them because he's going against rookie quarterback (and Chiefs third-stringer) Brodie Croyle. That's getting weirder. The real kicker is that if Damon Huard was starting, I'd pick the Chiefs. Damon Huard. Did anybody outside of KC even remember that this guy was still in football at the beginning of the season? When did he become a difference maker? What the heck is going on here?!
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Indianapolis (+2 1/2) over DENVER
Last time I checked, Indy was still undefeated, and Denver was not. Last time I checked, Indy still owned the Broncos. Last time I checked, Jake Plummer was still quarterbacking one of the most anemic offenses in football. Last time I checked, the forecast for Denver on Sunday is 69 degrees and sunny. Oddsmakers have this one ALL wrong.
Pittsburgh (-8 1/2) over OAKLAND
I was wrong about this last week, but I'm going to keep with it--
Duh.
1. PhilTube. Funniness. It's my stated purpose to use the word "blog" in at least six conversations over the next week. Moreover, I want to start ending my phone calls with, "You should be blogging."
2. It blizzarded here yesterday. There were words like "legendary" being thrown around on the news last night. Weathercasters, newspersons, can we just cut it with the hyperbole? It was a foot of snow. It's already halfway melted. We had one snow day out of it, let's not lose our heads over it. Ironically, Academy Blvd. was in much better shape this time around.
3. If you like college hockey (and you really need to punched in the head if you don't), you have to like this weekend's matchup between St. Cloud State and North Dakota. Fireworks galore. And whoodathunkit that professional hockey would be the hot topic in Minny this time around?
4. It has been a strange week. Some friends of ours had twins on Monday. When we visited them on Tuesday, the babies were in ICU because their lungs hadn't fully formed. I can't imagine how hard that must be, but we got to see them and they were so tiny and I instantly realized how a parent can love their child so much. I'm kind of psyched to have kids of my own someday. Then on Wednesday, an aunt of mine died unexpectedly. I've only met her a couple times because she lives across the country, but it's still hard to have to deal with death. I guess this was just one of those weeks that make you think more big picture than normal.
Ok, now let's get down to the nitty gritty. I'm particularly pumped to be laying out another slate of genius upset picks:
MINNESOTA (+2 1/2) over New England
I can't even tell you how much I'm looking forward to Monday night. I really don't understand how the Patriots are road favorites against a 4-2 team that just dismantled the reigning NFC champs. Chock it up to the East Coast Media Bias I guess. Maybe after this game the Vikings will get some respect. Maybe. The Vikes had a chance to arrive on the scene against the Bears earlier this year and choked that away. It will say a lot about this team in how they respond to another high-pressure situation. If they win, they have San Fran, Green Bay, Miami, and Arizona next. They could be 9-2 going up against the Bears on December 3rd. I smell a flex game! I'll leave this prediction with one more tidbit: The Broncos offense picked apart the Pats defense. I'll say that again.
The Broncos offense picked apart the Pats defense.
Arizona (+3 1/2) over GREEN BAY
People are piling on the Cards as the worst team in the NFL simply because they lost to Oakland. Granted, that is about as bad as it gets. But Arizona was coming off a stomach-punch loss. They still have a remarkably poised quarterback, talented skill players, and a coach that doesn't quit until the postseason. I really don't think Arizona's as bad as what people make them out to be. A low-profile game like this is just what they need to get back on track.
Seattle (+5 1/2) over KANSAS CITY
This is an exercise in functioning in the surreal netherworld. Seneca Wallace is starting for the Seahawks. And I'm picking them. That's weird enough. But I'm picking them because he's going against rookie quarterback (and Chiefs third-stringer) Brodie Croyle. That's getting weirder. The real kicker is that if Damon Huard was starting, I'd pick the Chiefs. Damon Huard. Did anybody outside of KC even remember that this guy was still in football at the beginning of the season? When did he become a difference maker? What the heck is going on here?!
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Indianapolis (+2 1/2) over DENVER
Last time I checked, Indy was still undefeated, and Denver was not. Last time I checked, Indy still owned the Broncos. Last time I checked, Jake Plummer was still quarterbacking one of the most anemic offenses in football. Last time I checked, the forecast for Denver on Sunday is 69 degrees and sunny. Oddsmakers have this one ALL wrong.
Pittsburgh (-8 1/2) over OAKLAND
I was wrong about this last week, but I'm going to keep with it--
Duh.
10.24.2006
Heroes.
Some thoughts on my new "Show of the Season," Heroes.
1. Stop plugging the Nissan Versa already. Yes we get it, they paid a bundle to be mentioned every possible time they can. But even Joe Yoekel in Bumlovin, Tennessee can see through your charade by now. Let it go.
2. Ali Larter's character is easily the weakest link of the show. It's obvious they tried to concoct more intriguing plotlines around her because her character is too weak. For instance: she doesn't actually have a superpower. She's schizophrenic. Last time I checked, that's more of a mental illness thing.
3. What am I supposed to do in January when 24 is on at the EXACT same time? I don't have two TV's, and I'm not sure the built-in VCR can record one thing while I watch another. I may have to make a major electronics purchase to avert this disaster.
4. There is some level of debate in my household over which Hiro Nakamura is better. My wife leans towards "Fun Japanese Office Worker" Hiro and I prefer "Two Seconds Away From Chopping Your Head Off" Hiro.
5. Never before have I seen a series chock full of so many anti-heroes. The heroin junkie, the sleazy politician, the internet whore, what is this? Are they just trying to make Peter and Hiro look better? Are they trying to break our stereotypes of the perfect superhero?
6. "Save the cheerleader, save the world" is not only a good tagline for a TV show, but it works remarkably well in all sorts of common social situations.
"Hey, do you have roughs of the football inserts?"
"Save the cheerleader, save the world."
"Ok. I gotta go."
See? Brilliant.
7. (Unrelated to Heroes) I've discovered the best way to annoy your fellow workers. Go to iTunes, download "The Final Countdown" by Europe, and play it loud once. Someone will probably try to stop you before the song is over, but the damage will already be done. Is there a better way to create enemies where you once had friends? I submit to you that there is not.
1. Stop plugging the Nissan Versa already. Yes we get it, they paid a bundle to be mentioned every possible time they can. But even Joe Yoekel in Bumlovin, Tennessee can see through your charade by now. Let it go.
2. Ali Larter's character is easily the weakest link of the show. It's obvious they tried to concoct more intriguing plotlines around her because her character is too weak. For instance: she doesn't actually have a superpower. She's schizophrenic. Last time I checked, that's more of a mental illness thing.
3. What am I supposed to do in January when 24 is on at the EXACT same time? I don't have two TV's, and I'm not sure the built-in VCR can record one thing while I watch another. I may have to make a major electronics purchase to avert this disaster.
4. There is some level of debate in my household over which Hiro Nakamura is better. My wife leans towards "Fun Japanese Office Worker" Hiro and I prefer "Two Seconds Away From Chopping Your Head Off" Hiro.
5. Never before have I seen a series chock full of so many anti-heroes. The heroin junkie, the sleazy politician, the internet whore, what is this? Are they just trying to make Peter and Hiro look better? Are they trying to break our stereotypes of the perfect superhero?
6. "Save the cheerleader, save the world" is not only a good tagline for a TV show, but it works remarkably well in all sorts of common social situations.
"Hey, do you have roughs of the football inserts?"
"Save the cheerleader, save the world."
"Ok. I gotta go."
See? Brilliant.
7. (Unrelated to Heroes) I've discovered the best way to annoy your fellow workers. Go to iTunes, download "The Final Countdown" by Europe, and play it loud once. Someone will probably try to stop you before the song is over, but the damage will already be done. Is there a better way to create enemies where you once had friends? I submit to you that there is not.
Me vs. ESPN braintrust, week 7.
It was a brutal week! Well, for everyone else. At ESPN, three of their experts went 4-9 (Salisbury, Jaworski, and the dreadful Mortensen) while only one broke the .500 barrier (Golic, 7-6). Me? I went 8-5. Stupid Dallas. See if I ever pick you again. All this adds up to me leapfrogging into a tie for second place. A couple more weeks like this and it's all mine.
Golic 67-33
Me 65-35
Schlereth 65-35
Hoge 64-36
Jaworski 64-36
Salisbury 63-37
Allen 62-38
Mortensen 56-44?!
Golic 67-33
Me 65-35
Schlereth 65-35
Hoge 64-36
Jaworski 64-36
Salisbury 63-37
Allen 62-38
Mortensen 56-44?!
10.23.2006
How now, Denver?
Allow me to give a little discourse on the city of Denver, Colorado.
First off, it is the worst American city I have ever been to. Keep in mind that I've visited such places as Sacramento, Houston, and Miami. This beats them all. Some people will half-heartedly defend the city by saying, "It's really not so bad once you get away from the ghetto areas." My response is always, "Where in Denver isn't a ghetto?!"
It's outbursts like this that are going to cost me my job someday.
Denver Broncos fans are terribly fairweather. Last year when they made the AFC championship game, I swear there were four to five times as many Broncos fans as the rest of the season. The nice thing about Colorado Springs is that everyone is from somewhere else (I think I've met a grand total of five natives so far), and they all bring their football teams with them. The result is that in my office there are only maybe a half-dozen actual Broncos fans, until they do well, in which case the number can go up to about 40.
Here's an illustration. A certain woman in the office (I won't mention her name because I'm so busy ripping her apart, like a good Christian, the rest of each day) was a Pittsburgh Steelers fan last year in the week before the AFC championship game. This was a bold move, considering the number of Broncos Bandwagon Jumpers around. A couple weeks ago, when they threw a party because the Broncos were going to be on Monday Night Football, you know who showed up in a Jake Plummer jersey? This very same woman. FOR SHAME.
Come to think of it, the office parties for the Broncos and no other team is probably the factor that makes me despise Broncos fans the most. Almost everyone in the office cheers for another team. Stop it with the football parties already.
Anyway, I picked Cleveland to upset them yesterday, which they didn't. Despite picking four other upsets, this one went unmet. And I'm good with that. I now know that I was picking with my heart instead of my head, and I'll correct the problem in subsequent weeks. I just know in my heart of hearts that all of this winning that Denver is doing is only going to lead to a precipitous fall come January.
So rock on, Broncos! Pull those fans out of the woodwork. All the more people to stab in the chest in three months.
First off, it is the worst American city I have ever been to. Keep in mind that I've visited such places as Sacramento, Houston, and Miami. This beats them all. Some people will half-heartedly defend the city by saying, "It's really not so bad once you get away from the ghetto areas." My response is always, "Where in Denver isn't a ghetto?!"
It's outbursts like this that are going to cost me my job someday.
Denver Broncos fans are terribly fairweather. Last year when they made the AFC championship game, I swear there were four to five times as many Broncos fans as the rest of the season. The nice thing about Colorado Springs is that everyone is from somewhere else (I think I've met a grand total of five natives so far), and they all bring their football teams with them. The result is that in my office there are only maybe a half-dozen actual Broncos fans, until they do well, in which case the number can go up to about 40.
Here's an illustration. A certain woman in the office (I won't mention her name because I'm so busy ripping her apart, like a good Christian, the rest of each day) was a Pittsburgh Steelers fan last year in the week before the AFC championship game. This was a bold move, considering the number of Broncos Bandwagon Jumpers around. A couple weeks ago, when they threw a party because the Broncos were going to be on Monday Night Football, you know who showed up in a Jake Plummer jersey? This very same woman. FOR SHAME.
Come to think of it, the office parties for the Broncos and no other team is probably the factor that makes me despise Broncos fans the most. Almost everyone in the office cheers for another team. Stop it with the football parties already.
Anyway, I picked Cleveland to upset them yesterday, which they didn't. Despite picking four other upsets, this one went unmet. And I'm good with that. I now know that I was picking with my heart instead of my head, and I'll correct the problem in subsequent weeks. I just know in my heart of hearts that all of this winning that Denver is doing is only going to lead to a precipitous fall come January.
So rock on, Broncos! Pull those fans out of the woodwork. All the more people to stab in the chest in three months.
10.19.2006
Week 7 picks.
A couple of fun items first:
Fun Item #1: Back in July, I posted an open inquiry for new, cooler job titles for a graphic designer. Nobody suggested even one. Luckily, I kept working on this and I came up with an answer. I am no longer a graphic designer, I am a visilogian (viz-uh-LOW-jen). I am a student of visilogy (viz-IL-uh-jee), the study and thorough knowledge of visual communication. Sounds a lot better right? There is no such word at dictionary.com, Google, or Wikipedia. So there then. Any time you ever hear or use that word, know that I made it up.
Fun Item #2: Who else loves those Subway commercials? I wrote about my sudden, surprising love of Jon Lovitz in June, and this latest round of commercials is even better. I can't decide which is a better line, when he yells "Holla!" at Lil' Jon, or when he yells "Just eat the sandwich!" at Reggie Bush.
Okay, on with the picks:
Minnesota (+6 1/2) over SEATTLE
Yeah, this is a homer pick. But I will say that not only is Sean Alexander still out, but Steve Hutchinson will have a HUGE game. Put Chester Taylor in if he's on your fantasy team, I smell a lot of points coming from him.
Green Bay (+4 1/2) over MIAMI
Yes, every time I need to prove that I came up with the word "visilogian", I'm going to have to point to a blog post where I picked the Pack to win. But I must go with what I know, and what I know is that Miami stinks haaaaaaaard. People are coming down on Brett Favre, so it's time for him to step up with a big game to allow him to suck for a few more weeks before they pull him out.
KANSAS CITY (+5 1/2) over San Diego
I'm not sure at all about this one, but I'm a big believer in what I'm now going to term the Office Space Corollary. "That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled. That and the fear of losing my job, but you know what Bob? That'll only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired." There are, in every sport and every season, a handful of teams that work just hard enough not to get blown apart (read "Washington in any sport"). They'll almost always win when their fan base will start rioting if they lose. I feel like Kansas City is close to this point after that humiliating loss to Pittsburgh. And even though San Diego is clearly the superior team, it's a division game at Kansas City. I got a hunch.
ATLANTA (+1 1/2) over Pittsburgh
Boy, that didn't take long to diffuse the panic over the Steelers, did it? Remember a week ago, when everyone thought their goose was cooked? Now they're making Atlanta, a very decent team, into a home dog. I agree that it's difficult to get a bearing on the Steelers so far this year, but let's call it both ways. I'm thinking they're WAY overrated here.
CLEVELAND (+5 1/2) over Denver
The upsets just keep on rolling. I was not impressed AT ALL by Denver last week. Their 4-1 record is not indicitive of the level of this team. Fun fact provided by Gregg Easterbrook: Denver has only scored 12 more points than Oakland so far this year. It's pathetic.
Arizona (-3 1/2) over OAKLAND
Duh. No upset is big enough for Oakland to win.
The rest of my picks:
NEW YORK JETS (-3 1/2) over Detroit
Philadelphia (-5 1/2) over TAMPA BAY
CINCINNATI (-3 1/2) over Carolina
New England (-5 1/2) over BUFFALO
Jacksonville (-9 1/2) over HOUSTON
INDIANAPOLIS (-9 1/2) over Washington
DALLAS (-3 1/2) over New York Giants
Fun Item #1: Back in July, I posted an open inquiry for new, cooler job titles for a graphic designer. Nobody suggested even one. Luckily, I kept working on this and I came up with an answer. I am no longer a graphic designer, I am a visilogian (viz-uh-LOW-jen). I am a student of visilogy (viz-IL-uh-jee), the study and thorough knowledge of visual communication. Sounds a lot better right? There is no such word at dictionary.com, Google, or Wikipedia. So there then. Any time you ever hear or use that word, know that I made it up.
Fun Item #2: Who else loves those Subway commercials? I wrote about my sudden, surprising love of Jon Lovitz in June, and this latest round of commercials is even better. I can't decide which is a better line, when he yells "Holla!" at Lil' Jon, or when he yells "Just eat the sandwich!" at Reggie Bush.
Okay, on with the picks:
Minnesota (+6 1/2) over SEATTLE
Yeah, this is a homer pick. But I will say that not only is Sean Alexander still out, but Steve Hutchinson will have a HUGE game. Put Chester Taylor in if he's on your fantasy team, I smell a lot of points coming from him.
Green Bay (+4 1/2) over MIAMI
Yes, every time I need to prove that I came up with the word "visilogian", I'm going to have to point to a blog post where I picked the Pack to win. But I must go with what I know, and what I know is that Miami stinks haaaaaaaard. People are coming down on Brett Favre, so it's time for him to step up with a big game to allow him to suck for a few more weeks before they pull him out.
KANSAS CITY (+5 1/2) over San Diego
I'm not sure at all about this one, but I'm a big believer in what I'm now going to term the Office Space Corollary. "That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled. That and the fear of losing my job, but you know what Bob? That'll only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired." There are, in every sport and every season, a handful of teams that work just hard enough not to get blown apart (read "Washington in any sport"). They'll almost always win when their fan base will start rioting if they lose. I feel like Kansas City is close to this point after that humiliating loss to Pittsburgh. And even though San Diego is clearly the superior team, it's a division game at Kansas City. I got a hunch.
ATLANTA (+1 1/2) over Pittsburgh
Boy, that didn't take long to diffuse the panic over the Steelers, did it? Remember a week ago, when everyone thought their goose was cooked? Now they're making Atlanta, a very decent team, into a home dog. I agree that it's difficult to get a bearing on the Steelers so far this year, but let's call it both ways. I'm thinking they're WAY overrated here.
CLEVELAND (+5 1/2) over Denver
The upsets just keep on rolling. I was not impressed AT ALL by Denver last week. Their 4-1 record is not indicitive of the level of this team. Fun fact provided by Gregg Easterbrook: Denver has only scored 12 more points than Oakland so far this year. It's pathetic.
Arizona (-3 1/2) over OAKLAND
Duh. No upset is big enough for Oakland to win.
The rest of my picks:
NEW YORK JETS (-3 1/2) over Detroit
Philadelphia (-5 1/2) over TAMPA BAY
CINCINNATI (-3 1/2) over Carolina
New England (-5 1/2) over BUFFALO
Jacksonville (-9 1/2) over HOUSTON
INDIANAPOLIS (-9 1/2) over Washington
DALLAS (-3 1/2) over New York Giants
10.18.2006
"Academy" must be Latin for "undriveable".
Yesterday morning, the forecasts here in Colorado Springs called for snow to begin about 8 pm and continue to the wee hours of the morning. A grand total of about an inch of accumulation was to happen. Naturally, none of this was correct. The snow started about 2 pm, and the grand total was more in the 4 to 6 inch range. This kind of inaccuracy happens all the time here. I've never seen such incompotent weatherpersons in my entire life. In their defense, I've also never seen such unpredictable and dramatically shifting weather in my life. But they have technology, experience, and schooling on their side. And they still don't get in the ballpark. Even as I was watching the news last night, the meteorologist was saying the snow was tapering off. But it was still coming down as hard as ever! Put a window in your studio!!!
Temper check, ok...
That's not even my real beef. I've been complaining about the weatherpeople in this town for two years now. My problem this morning is with the City of Colorado Springs. They completely don't understand how to take care of roads (which is symptomatic of the entire state of Colorado not knowing how to take care of roads). As I mentioned, the snow started around 2. When I went home at 4, the roads were only wet, and yet the masses of cars felt the need to go 20 mph the whole way. This is nothing new, I expected this. The first snow of any year is met with sheer panic, no matter where you are. It gave me a chance to listen to some Christmas music on the drive home. Awesome.
Last night on the news they had a story on when the city calls the plows into action. The thing is, it's much much later than you'd think. They don't get that you can't wait for a base of ice to build up under the cars before you start plowing. It was obvious the snow was going to amount to something, so pull the trigger already with the plows! Apparently the snow finally tapered off about midnight or so. And when I went to work at 7 am, you know what they had accomplished by then? Nothing.
Academy Boulevard is the second busiest street in the city, behind only I-25. Thousands of cars drive on it every commute. And yet they hadn't dropped a single piece of salt or sand on the entire road. It literally could've been used for a hockey rink. There were several occassions where I couldn't get going from a stoplight on account of all the sliding my brand new tires were doing. A couple times I nearly wrecked my car not being able to stop in time. This isn't some back street, it's Academy Freakin Boulevard!
Closed circuit to the City of Colorado Springs: I don't care if this snow will melt by tomorrow. I don't care if you're underfunded and understaffed. The second busiest road in a city with 400,000 people needs some salt when it snows. You can't commute on a frozen pond. Here's an idea: send three people to Minneapolis. Wait until a snowstorm. Then, have your three people drive around for a few hours. That's it. I guarantee they'll learn a lot. They'll be amazed by how many plows they see, how accessible most of the roads are, how they don't have to fear for their lives. Who knows, they might even bring back an idea or two.
Please, let's get some people on this right away. I don't have enough clean underwear for this.
Temper check, ok...
That's not even my real beef. I've been complaining about the weatherpeople in this town for two years now. My problem this morning is with the City of Colorado Springs. They completely don't understand how to take care of roads (which is symptomatic of the entire state of Colorado not knowing how to take care of roads). As I mentioned, the snow started around 2. When I went home at 4, the roads were only wet, and yet the masses of cars felt the need to go 20 mph the whole way. This is nothing new, I expected this. The first snow of any year is met with sheer panic, no matter where you are. It gave me a chance to listen to some Christmas music on the drive home. Awesome.
Last night on the news they had a story on when the city calls the plows into action. The thing is, it's much much later than you'd think. They don't get that you can't wait for a base of ice to build up under the cars before you start plowing. It was obvious the snow was going to amount to something, so pull the trigger already with the plows! Apparently the snow finally tapered off about midnight or so. And when I went to work at 7 am, you know what they had accomplished by then? Nothing.
Academy Boulevard is the second busiest street in the city, behind only I-25. Thousands of cars drive on it every commute. And yet they hadn't dropped a single piece of salt or sand on the entire road. It literally could've been used for a hockey rink. There were several occassions where I couldn't get going from a stoplight on account of all the sliding my brand new tires were doing. A couple times I nearly wrecked my car not being able to stop in time. This isn't some back street, it's Academy Freakin Boulevard!
Closed circuit to the City of Colorado Springs: I don't care if this snow will melt by tomorrow. I don't care if you're underfunded and understaffed. The second busiest road in a city with 400,000 people needs some salt when it snows. You can't commute on a frozen pond. Here's an idea: send three people to Minneapolis. Wait until a snowstorm. Then, have your three people drive around for a few hours. That's it. I guarantee they'll learn a lot. They'll be amazed by how many plows they see, how accessible most of the roads are, how they don't have to fear for their lives. Who knows, they might even bring back an idea or two.
Please, let's get some people on this right away. I don't have enough clean underwear for this.
10.17.2006
Me vs. ESPN braintrust, week 6.
This one was a toughie. I'm sure there were a lot of people who didn't pick Detoit, Tennessee, New Orleans, or Tampa Bay to win. But here it is, Tuesday, and somehow I lost ground again. I was a solid 7-6, which I'll gladly take this week.
I'm not listing Theismann anymore. His status as "expert" is revoked.
Jaworski 60-27
Golic 60-27
Salisbury 59-28
Schlereth 59-28
Hoge 58-29
Me 57-30
Allen 56-31
Mortensen 52-35
Wow. I'm really starting to fade here, aren't I? Well, it's a marathon really. I'm still only three back of the lead, and we're only through week 6, folks. In the words of the Get Up Kids, "Don't worry, I'll catch you. Don't ever worry."
I'm not listing Theismann anymore. His status as "expert" is revoked.
Jaworski 60-27
Golic 60-27
Salisbury 59-28
Schlereth 59-28
Hoge 58-29
Me 57-30
Allen 56-31
Mortensen 52-35
Wow. I'm really starting to fade here, aren't I? Well, it's a marathon really. I'm still only three back of the lead, and we're only through week 6, folks. In the words of the Get Up Kids, "Don't worry, I'll catch you. Don't ever worry."
10.16.2006
After a long absence...
You're right, anonymous patron. I've been gone too long. I could go on about my laziness, but instead I'll give you some excuses. The Twins lost and I was sulking. The Vikings were on a bye week. I actually have a job, you know. There. Three excuses, on with the show.
1. The Yankees get tossed by the Tigers, followed by the A's. Delicious. It should seem odd that I'm happy an AL Central team is making the World Series, but really my rivalry/jealousy only applies to Chicago or Cleveland. KC and Detroit are both such lovable losers that any success they get is met with my happiness. All that talk of Joe Torre getting fired made me giggle. Best lineup ever? I'm going out on a limb here, but no. It really is tragic about Lidle too. It robbed us all of our Yankee hatred for at least a couple critical days.
2. My fooball picking is going okay, I'll update how I'm doing vs. ESPN Braintrust tomorrow. In week 5 I had a dynamite time, going 13-1. Only thing is, my office pool had six people going 14-0 that week. I hate my coworkers sometimes. This week I actually didn't watch a minute of football and didn't even check scores until this morning. I don't know how I did. Paul says I picked 6 or 7 right. Okay, whatever. I did pick Detroit to win though. Genius status firmly intact.
3. Hockey season is back! How about them Wild? Granted, they've only played five home games so far, but they've won all five and are off to the best start in franchise history. I'm officially on the bandwagon. Plenty of room, folks. Also, St. Cloud State fired things up this last weekend, splitting a home series with #11 Denver. I would've been happier if they had pulled out a tie on Friday night, but considering how they started so slow last year, this is still a happy outcome. They should have an easy time with the home-and-home against Minnesota State this weekend.
Happy now?!
1. The Yankees get tossed by the Tigers, followed by the A's. Delicious. It should seem odd that I'm happy an AL Central team is making the World Series, but really my rivalry/jealousy only applies to Chicago or Cleveland. KC and Detroit are both such lovable losers that any success they get is met with my happiness. All that talk of Joe Torre getting fired made me giggle. Best lineup ever? I'm going out on a limb here, but no. It really is tragic about Lidle too. It robbed us all of our Yankee hatred for at least a couple critical days.
2. My fooball picking is going okay, I'll update how I'm doing vs. ESPN Braintrust tomorrow. In week 5 I had a dynamite time, going 13-1. Only thing is, my office pool had six people going 14-0 that week. I hate my coworkers sometimes. This week I actually didn't watch a minute of football and didn't even check scores until this morning. I don't know how I did. Paul says I picked 6 or 7 right. Okay, whatever. I did pick Detroit to win though. Genius status firmly intact.
3. Hockey season is back! How about them Wild? Granted, they've only played five home games so far, but they've won all five and are off to the best start in franchise history. I'm officially on the bandwagon. Plenty of room, folks. Also, St. Cloud State fired things up this last weekend, splitting a home series with #11 Denver. I would've been happier if they had pulled out a tie on Friday night, but considering how they started so slow last year, this is still a happy outcome. They should have an easy time with the home-and-home against Minnesota State this weekend.
Happy now?!
10.05.2006
The Tim McCarver Anger Scale.
It's October again, which means one thing: Yankees baseball on FOX. And I really, really, really hate the Yankees. I don't think anyone outside of Boston can totally understand this. Well, I tuned in a couple nights ago to see if the Tigers could pull a game in New York. I lasted all of a half-inning before I had to turn it off. (It was the inning where the Yankees went up 5-0. As it turns out, I'm the guy who pushed that train wreck off a cliff. Sorry.)
I'm a good Christian guy. Seriously. I go to church, read my Bible, try to practice what I believe, work at a Christian organization. And yet not even I can keep my cool watching FOX's coverage of postseason baseball. It wasn't more than five minutes before I started dropping f-bombs. And as I stewed over this, trying to work up the nerve not to watch anything more than what the Twins were involved in, I tried at--and I believe succeeded in--getting to the bottom of what makes me so angry about the Yankees.
These are some of the reasons: I've endured so freaking many Yankees playoff victories. They buy their championships. FOX makes a point of showing celebrities in the stands, second only to the coke-huffing gaggle that shows up to Lakers games. The celebrities in the stands don't care nearly as much as you care about your team. But I've boiled my anger down to one main reason, and if you read the title you're already hip to this:
Tim McCarver.
[One moment, please... overcoming urge to flip a table...]
The guy makes me unspeakably angry, like an old-school video game that you were sure was rigged. He is about as impartial as Joe McCarthy. I can't stand hearing the man speak, and if you haven't had the pleasure, allow me to summarize: "Mkddkfp ksldhqw lkdg wlkheep dkwh." [See, he can't talk because he's too busy sucking the Yankees' collective... well... you know...] And in an effort to quantify my anger, I've decided to invent the Tim McCarver Anger Scale (or TMAS). On this scale, an average postseason game that McCarver announces rates a 10, and other angering experiences are rated in relation to that. Here are some examples:
1. Your favorite sports columnist picks the Buffalo Bills over the Minnesota Vikings. You are a die-hard (stress on the die part) Vikes fan. TMAS Score: 4.1. Of course, when it turns out he's right, you score a 3.8 on the Brett Favre Regret Scale.
2. A center fielder you've been cheering for for years finally hits the 30 HR plateau, and seems poised to lead your team to the World Series. Then, in the playoffs, he misplays a line drive which leads to an in-the-park home run. Initial TMAS Score: 7.7. Once you've settled down and realized that this same guy has single-handedly won many games with his defense, your TMAS Score evens out at about 2.0.
And 10 isn't necessarily the top end of the scale.
3. After game seven of the 2003 ALCS (Boone's walk-off machete job), somehow Tim McCarver magically shows up at your front door. Upon answering the door, he promptly kicks you in the nuts, and as you're doubled over in pain, he points at you and yells, "Yankees, b&#ch!" and runs away giggling. TMAS Score: 12-28. (The high end of the scale is largely unquantifiable by any standard.)
But zero isn't necessarily the bottom end of the scale either.
4. In the 2004 ALCS when A-Rod sissily hits the ball out of Arroyo's glove, MLB has enacted some of my new rules to baseball and Arroyo is allowed to go mano a mano against Rodriguez right then and there. The concurrent melee is so one-sided that it's not enough to knock A-Rod out of the game, but his face is so disfigured that he looks more like Sloth from the Goonies than an actual person. He loses his endorsements and whatever chance of sleeping with impossibly hot women he ever had. But later in the game, in his next at-bat, Pedro is called in for the sole purpose of enacting another new baseball rule, pitching at the new Target Crotch Shot Zone. And Pedro won't miss his spot when he's aiming for A-Rod's crotch. As he's doubled over in pain, an avid fan rushes out of the stands, dragging McCarver with him, and spits on the both of them. TMAS Score: -380000.
This is very helpful on a practical level. For instance, if you come home from a poker game for the inevitable fight with the Mrs., and she says the inevitable, "You just make me so angry sometimes," you can ask, "How angry?" And she actually can say, "9.2." Then you know you're in trouble.
Go ahead, you now have permission to thank me.
I'm a good Christian guy. Seriously. I go to church, read my Bible, try to practice what I believe, work at a Christian organization. And yet not even I can keep my cool watching FOX's coverage of postseason baseball. It wasn't more than five minutes before I started dropping f-bombs. And as I stewed over this, trying to work up the nerve not to watch anything more than what the Twins were involved in, I tried at--and I believe succeeded in--getting to the bottom of what makes me so angry about the Yankees.
These are some of the reasons: I've endured so freaking many Yankees playoff victories. They buy their championships. FOX makes a point of showing celebrities in the stands, second only to the coke-huffing gaggle that shows up to Lakers games. The celebrities in the stands don't care nearly as much as you care about your team. But I've boiled my anger down to one main reason, and if you read the title you're already hip to this:
Tim McCarver.
[One moment, please... overcoming urge to flip a table...]
The guy makes me unspeakably angry, like an old-school video game that you were sure was rigged. He is about as impartial as Joe McCarthy. I can't stand hearing the man speak, and if you haven't had the pleasure, allow me to summarize: "Mkddkfp ksldhqw lkdg wlkheep dkwh." [See, he can't talk because he's too busy sucking the Yankees' collective... well... you know...] And in an effort to quantify my anger, I've decided to invent the Tim McCarver Anger Scale (or TMAS). On this scale, an average postseason game that McCarver announces rates a 10, and other angering experiences are rated in relation to that. Here are some examples:
1. Your favorite sports columnist picks the Buffalo Bills over the Minnesota Vikings. You are a die-hard (stress on the die part) Vikes fan. TMAS Score: 4.1. Of course, when it turns out he's right, you score a 3.8 on the Brett Favre Regret Scale.
2. A center fielder you've been cheering for for years finally hits the 30 HR plateau, and seems poised to lead your team to the World Series. Then, in the playoffs, he misplays a line drive which leads to an in-the-park home run. Initial TMAS Score: 7.7. Once you've settled down and realized that this same guy has single-handedly won many games with his defense, your TMAS Score evens out at about 2.0.
And 10 isn't necessarily the top end of the scale.
3. After game seven of the 2003 ALCS (Boone's walk-off machete job), somehow Tim McCarver magically shows up at your front door. Upon answering the door, he promptly kicks you in the nuts, and as you're doubled over in pain, he points at you and yells, "Yankees, b&#ch!" and runs away giggling. TMAS Score: 12-28. (The high end of the scale is largely unquantifiable by any standard.)
But zero isn't necessarily the bottom end of the scale either.
4. In the 2004 ALCS when A-Rod sissily hits the ball out of Arroyo's glove, MLB has enacted some of my new rules to baseball and Arroyo is allowed to go mano a mano against Rodriguez right then and there. The concurrent melee is so one-sided that it's not enough to knock A-Rod out of the game, but his face is so disfigured that he looks more like Sloth from the Goonies than an actual person. He loses his endorsements and whatever chance of sleeping with impossibly hot women he ever had. But later in the game, in his next at-bat, Pedro is called in for the sole purpose of enacting another new baseball rule, pitching at the new Target Crotch Shot Zone. And Pedro won't miss his spot when he's aiming for A-Rod's crotch. As he's doubled over in pain, an avid fan rushes out of the stands, dragging McCarver with him, and spits on the both of them. TMAS Score: -380000.
This is very helpful on a practical level. For instance, if you come home from a poker game for the inevitable fight with the Mrs., and she says the inevitable, "You just make me so angry sometimes," you can ask, "How angry?" And she actually can say, "9.2." Then you know you're in trouble.
Go ahead, you now have permission to thank me.
10.03.2006
Me vs. ESPN braintrust, week 4.
I lost a game this week, going 9-5. It was unavoidable though. Lots of difficult games. Jaworski also leaped above me. But here's a question: why does anyone let Joe Theismann pick? He seems to know less about picking winners than most girls. Not to mention he mucks up the percentages by not picking the Monday night game. I'm beginning to loathe that guy.
Schlereth 40-20
Jaworski 39-21
Hoge 38-22
Me 37-23
Salisbury 37-23
Golic 37-23
Allen 35-25
Mortensen 35-25
Theismann 32-24
Schlereth 40-20
Jaworski 39-21
Hoge 38-22
Me 37-23
Salisbury 37-23
Golic 37-23
Allen 35-25
Mortensen 35-25
Theismann 32-24
10.02.2006
October is crazy.
Some thoughts about:
Football.
1. If the Vikings won't run, then I won't watch. Unbelievable.
2. I'm torn about tonight's game. Do I want Philly to dismantle the Packers in an "even our rivals are feeling sorry for us" kind of way? Or do I root for the game to be close, which gives the Packers and their fans hope, thus prolonging their misery?
3. Chicago looked good last night. I guarantee they're phoning in one of their next two games.
4. Going 7-6 is unacceptable. Sometimes I just hate Sundays.
Baseball.
1. Twins win the Central. Sometimes I just love Sundays.
2. How improbably was the KC sweep of Detroit? You bet I was keeping an eye on that one.
3. Nobody's picking the Tigers to beat the Yankees. Since this is the most delightful thing that could happen, I'll go ahead and call it. Tigers beat Yankees.
4. Twins beat Tigers, beat Los Angeles in the World Series.
Football.
1. If the Vikings won't run, then I won't watch. Unbelievable.
2. I'm torn about tonight's game. Do I want Philly to dismantle the Packers in an "even our rivals are feeling sorry for us" kind of way? Or do I root for the game to be close, which gives the Packers and their fans hope, thus prolonging their misery?
3. Chicago looked good last night. I guarantee they're phoning in one of their next two games.
4. Going 7-6 is unacceptable. Sometimes I just hate Sundays.
Baseball.
1. Twins win the Central. Sometimes I just love Sundays.
2. How improbably was the KC sweep of Detroit? You bet I was keeping an eye on that one.
3. Nobody's picking the Tigers to beat the Yankees. Since this is the most delightful thing that could happen, I'll go ahead and call it. Tigers beat Yankees.
4. Twins beat Tigers, beat Los Angeles in the World Series.
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